You surprise me every day. Every time you reassure me or quieten my insecure thoughts. You never stop loving me. You care. You really care. I hope you always want me, warts and all.
So i am not the only person in this world. I am 1 of several billion. One teeny tiny dot on the landscape, and, i certainly am not the only person who gets sad, or cries, or experiences horrible things. In fact much of the time, life is great. Life is busy, and promising, fun, relaxing, stressful, but on the whole, balanced.
When actual bad things happen, around me, or to me, i react accordingly; i feel the emotions, feel pain, but eventually find a strength that comes with realising “shit happens, you gotta get on with it”.
Now, how i wish it was easy to do this in every other walk of life. How great it would be to feel sadness or loneliness, and be able to flick it off your shoulder; the time spent feeling the bad emotions gets nipped in the bud by a determined optimism. Alas, for a depressive, this, just cannot happen.
When i see pretty girls that once called my boyfriend, they’re boyfriend, i am weakened to my core by feelings of ravenous jealousy, impossible comparisons, and unfavourable judgements; in basic terms, “she’s hot…i am not, why the fuck is he with me?”.
When i look in the mirror i too am greeted by a rigmarole of self-hatred. I can’t see a single thing i like, although i am convinced everyone around me can see a thing they dislike. You are not good enough, you truly believe. Not good enough to ever be enough, for somebody.
Here’s the revelation; your whole life is spent judging yourself by what others might or may think of you, past, present and future. You are unhappy because you believe nobody really loves you, wholeheartedly, wildly, beautifully. You probably weren’t told you were loved, or maybe, you gave your heart away so much it’s been crushed to oblivion.
Even if a person decides they like you, in fact, they kinda love you, well thats just a whole new can of worms. You push those people away, and when you feel the darkness descending, you push them to the brink of collapse, because it’s shit, to see disappointment, confusion and eventually, see them give up on you, so you put the barriers up as soon as you feel threatened. And also depressives often like to pretend they are outwardly fine, because inside it’s too messy, you don’t want nobody seeing that.
So you sit there, with the job, the boyfriend, the family, and you aren’t happy. Not because the job isn’t right, or the boyfriend isn’t right, or because your parents divorced and aren’t perfect, but, because your mind will forever tell you, that you deserve none of it, and eventually it will all be gone. The funny thing is, you know that it will be you who ruins it all.
I know theres a sense of defeatist about this post and i realize people may have different experiences to mine; i come from the ‘my-daddy-never-said-i-love-you-my-boyfriends-all-treated-me-like-shit-and-i-was-bullied-at-school-wah-wah-wah’ camp of depressives. Some of you may come from abuse, and untold horror i can’t even begin to imagine. But i feel like we all can agree on one thing, depression is a black abyss that seeps into every crack of your life, and sits there, waiting for signs of happiness, ready to pounce and destroy.
I hope one day i go through 24 hours, feeling like i am ‘normal’, like i don’t have bad thoughts, or wish that i could be somebody else, somebody who never has these dark moments. In the meantime, i will just keep being me, darkness and all. But i will always be a reluctant victim.
Running is an excellent cardiovascular exercise that gets yours heart pumping and tones those legs. Here’s a guide for all those who wish to improve their running strides to get more of an effective work out.
I don’t know whether this is just my problem or not, but when I started reading about healthy eating I never knew what to imagine when they said “eat more good fats”, “don’t eat too much protein”. So I made a little cheat sheet for myself =D I hope some of you will find it useful too.